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Moisturizing cream may not be the answer
by RC
Sargent Albert was a great soldier! He carried out all orders to a ‘T’ and never had to be told twice by his commanding officers. If the truth be told, Albert was also a bit simple-minded. The morning of the exercises, he prepared himself at home in his usual manner, bathing and applying his sunscreen, and then over that the moisturizing cream which he always used when going out in the field. He was very serious about this step; he had even taken the cream with him into battle!
“One needs to protect himself at all times and in every imaginable way,” he would repeat to himself as he applied it—sometimes in a fox hole. “If I’m protected, I can protect my buddies,” he would usually add. And he had actually saved a few of his fellow marines and won a commendation for it. Of course, Albert always read the instructions on the tube of cream before using it, as he couldn’t count on finding the same brand around the world.
And so, it was just natural that he would try the cream in response to what happened that day. He was put into the middle of a large clearing with a pair of binoculars, and given this directive by Lt. Anderson, “don’t leave your post and keep watching to the south at all times.” Apparently, that was the direction from which the “enemy” would come.
How could Albert know that what he would see would not be the “enemy”—or, not the enemy he had expected? He had his eyes glued to the lens of his binoculars when it came over the horizon. It moved very slowly and, as he continued to watch, was apparently going to land in the clearing. Nothing had been said to Albert about resisting the “enemy,” so he merely continued watching. And he didn’t move. He had been given explicit instructions to stand his ground. The first thing that happened as the craft hovered over him was a red ray of light which, of course, flashed upon his face and hands. They immediately turned beet red, but Albert didn’t flinch. He was a marine!
“They must have gotten the wrong field,” Albert muttered as the craft suddenly began to rise again. He had heard of “Crop circles” and that kind of thing, but he could only imagine what he would have become if the UFO had continued downward. Albert heaved a sigh of relief, and he thought of his cream. He looked at his hands, which were strangely morphing into some other kind of appendages—crab like and green, with lots of warty bumps. Quickly, Albert pulled out the tiny mirror which he always carried on him for signaling. His face was also morphing, and he didn’t want to think about the chewing-out he’d get from his C.O. for not looking like a marine. The tube of cream was in his hand, but Albert muttered again, “Moisturizing cream may not be the answer here.”
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The Queen’s ladies and maids were accomplished in distilling cordials.
By CC
Henriette was dismayed. The Queen’s ladies and maids were accomplished in distilling cordials, but try as she might, every concoction she made ended up foaming and bubbling like an alchemists retort. Jack, her husband, said she was trying too hard, taking things too seriously, but they both hoped she would be considered by the Queen some day, and the distillation of cordials was an indispensible skill for the position.
One day Henriette varied her formula slightly and decided, when it didn’t foam or seethe, to take it out to the Royal Menagerie and try it on one of the animals. Within seconds the big tiger had keeled over dead. Another failure! She was distraught.
Jack saw what happened and quickly hurried to her side. “What have you done?” he hissed under his breath.
“I don’t know, Jack. It looked promising when I mixed it up, but I’m just not a distiller,” she cried plaintively. With that admission, their royalist dreams collapsed as surely as had the tiger.
Suddenly Jack knew what to do. It didn’t take long to find the hats and rug, and he hired a photographer to document the scene. They were both very happy with the photograph and had it mounted on the parlor wall.
Disposing of the tiger’s remains became tedious and rather frustrating, but Henriette eventually found that she was a very good tanner indeed, and soon they had a rug for the men’s smoking room.
But she never stopped trying to distill a good cordial, and eventually, after many years had passed and their relationship had greatly soured, she dispatched Jack as she had the tiger, and went on to enjoy a relatively uneventful life following.
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Justice is one of the four virtues praised by Plato, which Christians came to call the cardinal virtues.
by MD
Samantha adopted her puppy just after she obtained her PhD. in philosophy. She rescued him from the shelter - her heart went out to this little ball of shivering fur huddled in the corner of the kennel. "I'll name him Justice," she told the owner of the shelter. "Justice is one of the four virtues praised by Plato, which Christians came to call the cardinal virtues."
"Um, yeah." The shelter owner gave her a blank stare. "Just be sure to feed him twice a day and be sure to walk him daily."
"Of course," Samantha said. "And if you acquire any of his litter mates, give me a call. I'd love to complete the set - all named after the other three cardinal virtues."
"Uh, yeah. Good luck," the shelter owner said. "Bye bye now."
Over the next several months, Samantha took good care of Justice. The two were fast friends. Samantha followed the directions given to her by the shelter owner, and Justice fulfilled his part of the bargain by eating, exercising, and growing. And growing, and growing, and growing. Thus it was that when the shelter owner called to say Justice's litter mates had been turned in and were available for adoption, Samantha had to turn her down.
"So sorry," she told the shelter owner. "I'm afraid I can't afford them. I've learned there's no marketable occupation for a philosopher, so I've taken a job at McDonalds. And it's just as well, because I've forgotten the names of Plato's other three virtues."
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The exertions of the long sea voyage sapped his remaining strength.
by RMAF
At the beginning of their Great Expectations sailboat journey, the sailmaster, Captain Cruise Zing, was delighted to have the beautiful Monique Matilda of Monaco along for the day glide.
He thought she was a good looking doll with her long chestnut brown hair, big brown eyes and dressed in lace and jewels. What man could ask for more?
But, after his sailing ship left the harbor, things began to change. The weather changed, the wind changed, his craft changed course, and worst and most powerful of all, Monique Matilda changed from a cute little doll into an ugly big wicked B-witch! She ate up all the food and drank up all his booze. She screamed as she violently threw all of his cherished Penthouse and Playboy and Mad magazines into the ocean. And by the time he maneuvered his craft back into the harbor, he was sapped of his remaining strength. After he moored his ship he ran off yelling to his fellow dockers, "Don't EVER date Monique Matilda of Monaco! NO! NO! NO!"
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The problem was not confined to India.
by TNT
My father's father - my grandpa - didn't keep the family together. He worked in a factory and I don' t know if he remarried. My father blamed him and wouldn't speak of his father (nor to him). I never got to know any thing about that side of my family. They were poor and my father lived under the stairs of a hotel where he served (I suppose doing janitorial duties). My father was ambitious so he managed to obtain a football scholarship until he was injured and dropped out.
T.B. was never mentioned again except in books I read.
I heard of a man who had T.B. before there was a cure. He rode on top of a train with his mouth open (for fresh air, I think) all the way from Arizona to the East Coast. By the end of the journey, he said he was cured of T.B. If they had as much pollution as we have now, he'd have a few more diseases that there are no cures for. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.
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He became famous for lying down lifeless on the ground where he lived.
by CT
Elliot Oker, the famous designer, created the most beautiful 'period' pieces for ve-ry wealthy clients.
Queen Letitia of Osterwald bought her wedding dress, a lacy, frothy gown with long sleeves and stand-up collar in the back, from him.
Lizette Lamour, the scandalous can-can dancer, wore a sleeveless, mink-trimmed number paid for by one of her numerous lovers.
Lady Amelia of Thurongood opted for a sedate, lace-tiered over satin columnar creation.
They all adored Oker's creations but he displayed one tiny little quirk. Periodically he reclined, appearing lifeless, on the lawn in front of his house.
He became famous, not for his exquisite designs, but for lying down lifeless on the ground where he lived.
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He studied the Tarot diligently every day.
by BG
Matilda went to see Wilhelm at least once a week. She was a woman before her time. There were all sorts of ideas in that pretty little head of hers which she wanted to take action on. Wilhelm told her what the best ideas she should work on would be so she would be able to leave a legacy for her children. She did agree with Wilhelm some her ideas were truly outlandish, but others were wonderful and would be a benefit in the future. Wilhelm knew. He studied the Tarot diligently every day. He strongly urged her to develop her idea for personal transportation and he was absolutely right. 200 years later there are millions of little scooters in cities everywhere - a little more modernized versions of the one Matilda invented and rode on all over town. Wilhelm was even able to foretell that eventually modern scooters would be left on street corners along with bicycles so people who did not own one would have a chance to ride one too!
