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"It's the principle of the thing," Leland told Amy. "Don't ask me again."
by GS
Leland had started eating too much right after he was gelded, a not unusual reaction to such abuse. At first he was only a little bit plump, but things started getting serious quickly. By age three he weighed almost a ton and ate half a bale of hay every day, along with several pints of oats. Any attempt to cut back caused great distress and anger. His friend Amy was justifiably concerned about his impending calamity when he would no longer stand up, and kept insisting on a strict diet, begging Leland to wake up before it was too late. Leland explained that he had sublimated his truncated sex drive into a food fetish to retaliate against the perpetration of his misery, and refused to diet. "It's the principle of the thing," Leland told Amy. "Don't ask me again." Plaintively he added, "I don't want to live as half a horse, so I decided to be two horses."
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“Love is the key. Love is what makes up the universe,” he
told them.
by RC
Most people
do not know that Sponge Bob is not a Hollywood creation, but a visitor from outer space. He first came to
our world about the time the movie “The Blob” was airing in theatres. Sponge
Bob thought that it was very silly, almost as silly as “Godzilla Eats New
York”, or whatever the name was. But, Sponge Bob waited around, because he was
convinced that there was hope for mankind.
Finally his day came and he was
introduced by friends whom he had met in the years between. They had a
parade for him one day, and he brought his sidekick, Sponge Eddie. Love, love,
love, all was love! But some people actually mocked—they were all over thirty
years old. “What’s so important about love?” they said. “You know what Tina
Turner sang? ‘What’s love got to do with it?’”
“You have
got some very wrong ideas,” Sponge Bob explained patiently. “Everything is
really a matter of love—everything that matters, anyway. I’ve been from one
side of the universe to the other, and I know.”
Sponge Bob
and Sponge Eddie sat down with one group of mockers to try and explain it. “Love is the key. Love is what makes up the
universe,” he told them. For instance, the Milky Way—do you know how it got
it’s name? Nothing to do with Milk; it was a giant explosion of love.”
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"Nothing in his education had prepared him for this."
by RMAF
Nothing in his education had prepared him for this: Jumping off the Cliffs of Dover with the entire Duggar family.
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"He kept his distance the whole time they were dating."
by PV
Jimmy Jo was definitely the most outrageous of his dating partners. She deeply affected him, as some cronies of his said, she raised the whole concept of a stellar bitch to new levels. Even though Jack John was a giant wolfhound, he kept his distance the whole time they were dating.
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"I tried," he pleaded with her. "I gave it everything I had, but I failed anyway."
by BG
Mary sat down next to who she thought was George. She'd heard his voice call to her as she boarded the bus. There were only a couple of little old ladies sitting in the front and she was sure neither of them could be George. It had been quite a while since they had gotten together, so she had been prepared not to recognize him, however she was still taken aback and gave a bit of a sigh before speaking.
"Ah, so, well, ummm, how have you been, George?" she asked.
George moaned, then he groaned, then he said, "I just couldn't stop."
"But, George," she exclaimed. "How..." then she trailed off.
"I tried," he pleaded with her. "I gave it everything I had, but I failed anyway."
"I don't understand, George," she wailed. "You were completely bald!"
"Yes," he said. "I started taking Rogaine and it just got out of control. I have failed to stop taking it and now I will never be bald again!"
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“It was one of those days. Nothing had gone right for
Chuck since he got out of bed.”
By CC
Chuck bought the house sight unseen. It was one of
those Ebay things that just caused his trigger finger to twitch. How dare they
not let him cancel a bid? But oh well. He packed his bags on Thursday and took
the train to his new house.
Crossing the drawbridge over the raging torrent, he
began to wonder if the previous owners had vacated as promised. He knocked at
the big doors but nobody answered. Since he never got the key, he just kicked
it open. The door fell back into the room with a thud and part of the west wall
and ceiling came down on it. Chuck stepped inside as a small man scuttled out
from a back room coughing.
Well, you’re here, might as well get used to the
place,” he said after catching his breath. “Come on in, I’ll give you the tour
before I leave.”
They went up twisting staircases that led to spiral
stairs that led to rickety ladders to lofts filled with cobweb-strewn beds and
chairs. He walked along sloping wooden galleries that depended shakily off
stone walls. They passed through dungeons with irons on the walls where
prisoners would be drowned in torrents of water that rushed through the
subterranean chambers when sluice gates were opened.
Then they went upstairs to the kitchens, where shelves
were lined with old jars full of dark liquids and grey solids. A skeleton hung
in the corner. Here Chuck tripped on a loose floorboard and with a gasp of
horror saw the sole peel away from one of his Sperry Topsiders. He sat down and
cried. Those shoes were his life. It was one of those days. Nothing had gone
right for Chuck since he got out of bed.
